Stages of Marriage
Last week, Slavic and I celebrated sixteen years of marriage. Sixteen years! We went out to one of our favorite steakhouses, because the proper way to celebrate anything is with a well prepared chunk of red meat, of course. Throughout these years, we both have learned much about marriage and about each other. Slavic has his own list of lessons learned in the process and will be sharing about it in my next blog, so make sure to check back in!
As for me, the learning process progressed in stages. I will mention only three here.
The first stage of my marriage experience was mostly what I had hoped and imagined my husband would be. To be clear, I do not mean that Slavic was everything I had hoped and imagined my husband would be. What I mean is my interpretation and responses to Slavic were based on who I had imagined my perfect husband will be. I was convinced I married the closest resemblance to Jesus or an archangel at the very least.
Everything Slavic said and did was perfect! Every joke was funny and every sermon was nothing short of a divine revelation. I did not see any imperfection in him. He was sent into my life via special order from heaven. This stage, of course, was the shortest stage of the whole process. I want to say it lasted for years, but I’d be lying. It was much shorter…much, much shorter. Never mind how much shorter. You get the picture.
Very quickly, I began to notice attitudes and habits that didn’t align with that image of an angel I was certain I had married. This truly and deeply upset me. It’s funny to admit to how naïve I was about the reality of humanness my husband actually manifested. But I had solid grounds to claim my right to an angel for a husband: I had been praying for my husband for years! And I know that God is faithful, He hears the prayers of the righteous. I was righteous enough in my own eyes to claim that promise!
The second stage of our marriage was getting to know the real, human, feet-walking-on-the-ground Slavic. I learned his strengths, but also his weaknesses. For a while, it seemed I was discovering more weaknesses than strengths. There were even times when I saw weaknesses in him that he DID NOT! Imagine that! Not only did he display qualities I did not like, he had no idea he had them! I was outraged!
**Disclaimer: I’m not bashing on my amazing husband, I’m relaying the progression of my understanding of marriage and the process of developing a real relationship with a real person.**
At a point when I was most distraught about the disparities between my perfect image and the real image of my husband, by God’s grace and the leading of the Holy Spirit, I knelt on my knees and brought my frustrations to the only One who can fight for me. I had to begin my prayer with admitting I was not perfect either, though.
Here is some unsavory news, my prayers for my husband weren’t answered the moment I arose from my humble prayer. Shocking! I decided to intensify my petition for my husband and started fasting for him once a week. But here is a nugget of God’s perfect goodness to us: the longer I prayed for him, the more I invested myself into his success, the more I became a better wife. I toned it down on my pointing out of all his missteps. Instead, I was now cheering for him to become a better person. Again, not because he was such a terrible person, but because I realized he was human.
What do we gain from pointing out our spouse’s weaknesses? Even if we point them out with laser-like precision, proving to them that they have those weaknesses, it does not help them. Over time, as I continued to pray for him and invest myself into his success in becoming a better husband, I began to see how my prayers were answered, every single one of them. Many times, Slavic would have a conversation with someone or witness a situation and would be convicted about some of those areas I was so eager to fix in him. The work was done for me! And it was much more effective!
Please, don’t misinterpret what I am saying about correcting each other. We definitely still have discussions about areas we hope to see improvement in, but I do not approach it as a battle of who has more things to work on. God DOES fight for US, not for ME against my husband. When I understood this, I entered into the third stage of my understanding of marriage.
The third stage of our marriage has been continuously learning about each other, appreciating each other’s strengths, and cheering each other on in our effort to become better in marriage, parenting, ministry, finances, and everything else in our daily life together. All this is possible only if we invest ourselves and commit to each other through the process.
The process is the whole point of relationship! You cannot have a relationship without a process. It doesn’t work for marriage any more than it would for a tree to be uprooted and replanted every time you get bored or displeased with the process. If you did that to a tree, it wouldn’t grow any faster. On the contrary, it would probably get very sick or simply die.
I believe commitment through the process actually changes us both simultaneously! It seems as though we are doing someone a favor by staying committed through the process, but in reality, the process is doing us a favor. Stay committed and invest yourself into your spouse’s success! It will make a world of a difference in you!
