Beyond Failure
In my previous post, I promised to share the challenges I faced in 2018. This topic calls out a mix of emotions in me, so I’ll just jump right into it.
The first six months of 2018, I was finishing up the first school year with my kids at home. The four years prior to that, we were part of a homeschooling co-op with a handful of families. The idea to start the co-op just came spontaneously to a few of us moms at one of our coffee dates. I was certain that this was going to be a huge success because every mother that joined was smart, talented, and cared deeply about their children. It has been a long-time dream of mine to join with other moms who were passionate about investing wholeheartedly into their children and I couldn’t have dreamt for a better team of gifted and hardworking women to work with. Over the years we spent together, I had become close friends with and learned so much from the mothers that joined. My children had also developed very close friendships with children in those families. At the end of the fourth year, I woke up one morning and I just knew that this was going to be our last year together. Within a week after, several of the most active members in our team shared their plans to move on to something different for the following school year. And just like that, our team broke apart and what I thought was sure to succeed came to an end. I began to think of all the ways I could have worked harder and done more to make it succeed. I knew I could have done better, and I knew I failed.
The following school year, the kids and I adjusted to our new routine and began to enjoy the new setup. Sometime in April of 2018, I realized our daily routine was running smoothly enough that I began to search for ways to apply myself intellectually. I found a business opportunity and researched it for some time. After discussing it with people who were familiar with the business opportunity, and confirming that it was a viable option for a decent income as a stay at home mom, I went through the long and tedious process of submitting all the necessary paperwork to set everything up. I had passed all the stages of qualifying, found financing, and reached the final stage. This was the longest part of the process. I waited for several months for the final results.
In those few months, I found out that I was pregnant. When we told the children, they were overjoyed with the news. They had been secretly praying for another baby in our family. I went to my first prenatal appointment, and the doctor told us that everything looked great. We were excitedly anticipating the visit when we would get to find out if we were having a boy or a girl and get all the measurements and calculate the due date. At nine weeks, I began to experience some abnormalities and went in to get my blood drawn. The bloodwork was sent in with an urgent note, and we were supposed to get the results within the next 24 hours. That same night, I ended up in the emergency room. I had lost my baby. Over the next few weeks, I made another two trips to the emergency room, once by ambulance due to the amount of blood loss. Thankfully, the loss of blood was not severe enough for any serious intervention. I spent quite a bit of time resting over the next few months, trying to regain my strength and recover. During my recovery period, I received the answer for my business startup. It was a denial.
An overwhelming sense of failure flooded me so strongly. Like slowly dropping water, the condemning thoughts began to pound away at me: Everything I touch falls apart; I failed to connect with people, I failed intellectually, and I failed to sustain life for my baby; I am a failure. For months, I lived with these thoughts hammering my mind every time I wasn’t distracted enough, constantly reminding me of every reason why I will continue to fail. Every big dream I kept tucked away in my heart since I was a young girl began to look less and less like they could one day be a reality.
All I could muster in response was to remain silent. I had no argument to dispute those conclusions. There was fact, after fact, after fact. I remained silent, and prayerfully clung to the hope that God can resurrect and bring back to life whatever He touches. By the end of the year, He did exactly that.
It was at one of the Sunday morning church services, as I was fully focused on Him during worship that God softly whispered to me two simple words: “Try again!” When those words dropped into my heart and then saturated my mind, I realized I had a choice. I had to choose between accepting failure and resisting it. I made the decision that even if I fail a million times more, I will never stop moving forward. We all have to face the facts of the failures of our past, but the TRUTH is that the dreams God places into our hearts are there for a reason. The resistance will come, but only because those dreams have a purpose. When we step out in response to the tug at our heart to accomplish things of eternal value, we experience fellowship and friendship with our Creator. That is why we are here on this earth, for fellowship and friendship with our Heavenly Father.
We all face hardships, disappointments, and failures. Whatever it is you are facing, whether it’s a failed relationship, failing health, or financial failure, I encourage you to keep going. Keep walking. The time will come when the winds of the storms you were facing will become the gusts of wind, pushing you forward.
